Yesterday we had a lesson in Relief Society on divorce, and we talked about how lots of people feel that marriage stifles their freedom and holds them back from reaching their potential as an individual. This made me think about my life-- I was married and pregnant before my nineteenth birthday. Most of my young adult life will be spent chasing small children in order to get their clothes on, or playing "fort" under a card table where I barely fit with two little kids.
I have friends who spent these years single, traveling the world, building fascinating careers, and developing amazing talents one can really only develop much when completely independent and on their own-- like figure-skating. They are incredibly interesting people with all kinds of exciting stories to tell about their lives and what they did, while I was home nursing babies and planning family menus. I love hearing about all this, but feel a little awkward about it occasionally when I realize I have very few, if any, experiences that compare with their adventures.
So I wondered to myself, am I a less interesting person, less fulfilled, because I jumped into marriage and family life at such a young age? Do I lack a certain charisma and wisdom I could have gained along the path of adventurous, single-adult life? You know what? I doubt it. I look at myself and, to be honest, don't think I could have become quite the person I am today without my family and the things I've learned from being a wife and mother.
I've become more confident, more assertive (things I've always had trouble with on my own), and, really, I think better-looking, partly out of need, and partly because I've had a safe environment to become these things and someone I really adore there behind me encouraging and urging me on. I have lost a lot of the selfish, judgmental, immature person I know I was as a teenager through late-night feedings and on-knees scrubbing of other people's carpets as I passionately apologize for ignorantly bringing my nauseous-and-unable-to-run-to-the-toilet child into their home. I've grown in ways I never could have without my little family, and you can't argue that at least a couple of the things I've accomplished so far are going to last quite a while (like forever).
So, though the stories aren't usually that great for now (or at least not that appropriate to tell over lunch), and there are no talent shows or competitions to commend my amazing diapering and debating-with-angry-toddler abilities, I'm still pretty sure this was the right way to go.
Besides, Michael and I make really good-looking babies.
Jamie lou, what a great post! Funny thing is, sometimes I feel awkward to not be where you guys are. It makes me so happy to be around you guys and your children. I guess life is about making the most of your situation and realizing the blessings we have, even if sometimes we feel like we don't. Love you guys...
ReplyDeleteWhat eloquent and insightful writing! You gave a voice and a meaning to what was in my heart. You go, girl! Have you consider trying to write a column, or publishing your thoughts, or something like that(Besides a blog, that is)? You have a talent! You really do!
ReplyDeleteRight on, James.
ReplyDeleteAbout eight years ago I remember seeing my sister sitting at a table, wearing a flowery apron, pitting cherries. A herd of dirty children (her children) were making all kinds of noisy mischief. A crawling baby (her baby) was putting illicit things in its mouth. And she looked up at my mom, the sunlight highlighting her hair, a smile on her face, and said: "You know? There's nowhere else in the world I'd rather be right now than right here."
My reaction? Horror and revulsion. I couldn't imagine anything more distasteful than her lifestyle. Here she was, uneducated, only twenty-four, surrounded by smelly gremlins, performing mindless, thankless work. She'd never had a "real" job. She'd never lived outside of Idaho. She'd never even been on an AIRPLANE for Pete's sake and she had the AUDACITY to be CONTENT?
I decided I was going to be different. I was going to have a career. I was going to be single for a long time. I was going to travel the world. And I did go to Europe (for ten days) and I did live outside of Idaho (does Utah count?), I got my college degree (and hated EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of it), I enjoyed a brief stint in a career as an Office Manager (read that: Secretary) and I didn't get married until I was a whopping 21. And that little taste of what I had always thought I really wanted let me know that I wanted something more...substantial.
Sometimes I imagine traveling to Italy and developing a relationship with the people living in a little village, perhaps nestled up in a lush mountain. I think about writing about their simple lives, marked by habit and ritual and tradition. And then I think...why not be the (proverbial) woman hand-shaping pasta in a two-room cottage in the mountains of Italy? Instead of writing about it, why not live the simple, ritualistic life, Idaho Girl style?
And so that's what I've decided to do. And so far, so good. Exhausting, maddening even, but good.
Well, Lindsay, no, I haven't considered writing anything but this blog and possibly a journal in a while. I guess I don't know what I'd write. Thanks for the compliment, though, it makes me feel good. I haven't actually written anything down in a long time, it seems, and I'm afraid I'm getting a bit rusty.
ReplyDeleteRach, that memory was very vividly written, I liked it. I share similar memories of my family members and having the same thoughts about it. It made me smile to read yours.
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